My Life as a (nearly) Grown-up

My Summer Reading List

2011-04-23T18:30:00.000-04:00

I cleaned my bedroom. I found a large pile of books I kept meaning to read but never got to. Since I now find myself unemployed it appears that I finally have time to get to these books. So here is my list.

The Loves of Joao Vencio - Jose Luandino Vieira
Of Irish Ways - Mary Murray Delaney
Vice & Virtue in Everyday Life - Christina Sommers and Fred Sommers
Southern Cross:The Beginnings of the Bible Belt - Christine Leigh Heyrman
Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales
Last Words - George Carlin
America's Favorite Poems - Robert Pinksy & Maggie Dietz
The Time Machine - H.G. Wells
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - J.K. Rowling
Utopia - Sir Thomas More
Timequake - Kurt Vonnegut
The Dharma Bums - Jack Kerouac
Seven Spiders Spinning - Gregory Maguire
Flash Fiction - James Thomas, Denise Thomas & Tom Hazuka
where we stand: class matters - bell hooks

There will be many more books added to this list by the time I am finished. I only cleaned out one set of bookshelves. I have not yet tackled The Closet. I'll keep you all updated.

2011-04-10T18:19:00.004-04:00

Funny how hearing from an ex-boyfriend from more than ten years ago can make me feel like a teenager again. Now, I’m not saying I have any interest in rekindling any old flames. This particular flame didn’t burn all that bright in the first place. But it did burn for quite a while. And while there is no better feeling that being in the arms of my current flame, who is literally everything I want, there is something to be said of hearing a simple “Hey you look great” from out of nowhere. Even if he is probably just bored and looking to get laid.

**************************************************************
Three hours later.

Suspicions confirmed. He was looking to get laid. But even after telling him that I’m quite happy with my current guy (which is an understatement because I am ecstatic, but I thought that might seem like I was rubbing it in), he replied with a ‘he’s a lucky guy – I’m here if you change your mind’. Like I said earlier I have no intentions of taking him up on it but it’s a nice feeling, knowing that someone is still chasing what they couldn’t have in high school.

This small exchange has also made me realize something.

Leave the past in the past.

Because I am fairly certain that if I had taken him up on his offer I would have been disappointed with the outcome. Because let’s face it – This isn’t high school anymore. I don’t need to go to my high school reunion to know that no one really turned out like you thought they would. I have facebook for that.

What shall I blog about?

2011-04-08T19:11:00.001-04:00

This is a question that has been bothering me for some time. I started this blog because I wanted a place to share things. I never really considered what I was going to share. How deeply into my life do I want to let the tens of people who read this blog? How much do you really want to know about me? Blogging always seemed sort of narcissistic to me. In a Look at me Look at me I need attention kind of way. But we all need some attention once in a while don’t we? I suppose a blog that revolves around me is better than attempting to get the whole world to try a new pattern of orbit.

So here I am. Blogging. And there you are. Reading. So I’ll ask your opinions.

I read, write, crochet, knit, bake, quilt, cry, yell, sulk, laugh, love, play, learn, exercise, eat, scrapbook, shop, photograph, argue, listen, observe and sleep.

What would you like to read about?

To Whom It May Concern. A break up thank you note.

2011-04-07T22:08:00.002-04:00

Thank You.
Thank You for showing me that people are who they show to the world, not who they are in the dark. That you can hide your true self from one person but not from many.
Thank You for making me realize that I have shortcomings and bad habits, but despite all of them I deserve better.
Thank You for being the best when I needed it and the worst when I needed to leave.
Thank You for being my romantic seat filler.
Thank You for demonstrating what I did not want, while letting me discover what I do.
Thank You for being the most difficult and most liberating experience in my life.

The List. Revisited.

2011-04-02T13:36:00.005-04:00

1. Apply to graduate school for creative writing.
has become Go Back To School In Progress.

2. Save $2,000. In Progress.

3. Lose 75 pounds. In Progress.

4. Host, and cook for, a dinner party. has become Host And Cook For Knit Night Done

5. Volunteer at the Red Cross.

6. Donate plasma.

7. Join something, an organization, club or team.

8. Pay off ALL debts. Done

9. Start saving for retirement.

10. Take a class. Pottery, cake decorating, or knitting.

11. Visit Michael in Colorado. has become Go Somewhere I've Never Been Before. In Progress.

12. Buy a new car. Done

13. Write a novel or screenplay. In Progress.

14. Read War & Peace.

15. Learn to use Power Point.

16. Buy a new computer. Done (Gifts totally count)

17. Learn to use Photoshop.

18. Make a quilt. In Progress.

19. Learn how to properly use my sewing machine. Done

20. Learn how to follow a pattern.

21. Start a blog. Done

22. Read 101 books in 1001 days. In Progress.

23. Finish this list. Done

24. Write for at least one hour per week for three months.

25. Do laundry once a week for three months.

26. Go to a UU church service.

27. Get a pedicure. Done

28. Make cans project.

29. Try cross-stitch.

30. Make an inspiration collage. In Progress.

31. Buy my own PS3. Done

32. Try Jamba Juice.

33. Take a train trip to somewhere.

34. Go to the movies alone.

35. Learn to shoot a gun.

36. Move back to the Northeast. Done

37. Learn three new crochet stitches. In Progress.

38. Bake homemade bread.

39. Clean my apartment from top to bottom.

40. Donate platelets.

41. Go on an airboat ride.

42. Visit the Coral Castle.

43. Watch the Lord of the Rings movies.

44. Go camping. Done

45. Watch an entire football game. Done

46. Learn to purl. Done

47. Be on time for one full month. Done (Didn't last after that month though.)

48. Watch all the DVDs I own. In Progress.

49. Adopt a pet.

50. Get a new GPS. Done

51. Volunteer at a soup kitchen/food bank.

52. Thoroughly clean my car. has become Keep My Car Clean.

53. Play BINGO.

54. Get a passport.

55. Visit Key West.

56. Decorate for Christmas.

57. Learn to make pastry.

58. Make a list of 101 things that make me happy.

59. Go to Disney.

60. Go to Epcot.

61. Go to a museum. Done

62. Try a totally new hairstyle.

63. Take some sort of factory/brewery tour.

64. Go to Las Vegas.

65. Make a souffle.

66. Participate in NaNoWriMo 2010. has become Submit Novel To Agent

67. See and photograph an alligator.

68. See and photograph a manatee.

69. Go fishing.

70. Visit a national park.

71. Create the comic that Ed and I came up with.

72. Try acupuncture.

73. Do 101 creative writing prompts. In Progress.

74. Get another tattoo. Done

75. Have prints made of my digital photography.

76. Send a package to a soldier overseas.

77. Begin (and finish) a mosaic. In Progress.

78. Drive across the country.

79. Ride a motorcycle.

80. Go on a mom and me vacation (staycation also acceptable).

81. Go to the roller derby.

82. Cut hair super short.

83. Start a dream journal or blog. Done (but abandoned)

84. Photograph a month in my life.

85. Learn to make soap.

86. Take a first aid course.

87. Take a CPR course.

88. Learn to make sock monkeys.

89. Buy an external hard drive. has become Get A New Ipod

90. Finish writing the non-fiction book I started.

91. Sew an apron.

92. Surprise someone with a care package.

93. Hook up printer and make sure it works.

94. Learn to make art/jewelry with resin.

95. Put up pictures in the apartment.

96. Make up and try 5 new recipes. In Progress.

97. Participate in 100 snapshots.

98. Make an aluminum bouquet.

99. Update this blog at least once a week for six months.

100. Go to the dermatologist.

101. Make another 101 in 1001 list.

as yet untitled (in progress)

2010-10-03T15:45:00.002-04:00

My name is a curse when you spit it
I guess that's all that I get
Good coffee mixed with sour milk
and I'm feeling this guilt
Promised something deep and satisfying
like mom's apple pie and
time takes it toll
or so I'm told
turns promises to threats
all I'm left with is debts
satisfaction is fleeting
I guess I've been cheated

Ars poetica (in progress)

2010-10-03T15:19:00.002-04:00

Should I tear myself to pieces
before I write this poem?
Disarticulated like an unfortunate child's toy.
Forgotten in the piles of arms and legs tossed aside over
years of mutilation induced by childhood's curiosities.

Or should I use these words as a noose?
To slowly choke myself until these are the last words.
Like a man who kicks the chair out too soon
Ends up crumpled on the floor
Purple welts where the words were

Should I set myself on fire?
Use this paper as fuel
These limbs as kindling
Let this poem burn me up until these words are forgotten.

Yup. You're a dick.

2010-09-30T20:28:00.002-04:00

It went something like this:

Him: Hi
Me: HI.
Him: How are you?
Me: Good. You?
Him: Great.
Me(after a few moments): What's up?
Him: Not much.
(Another long pause... in which i left the computer to go eat dinner... only to come back to...)
Him: So you're not going to chase me?
Me: No. I don't chase.
Him: So how are you going to get a guy like me?
Me: What makes you think I want a guy like you?

Tool. Really. I mean... I've always realized I was a bit of a misanthropic individual. Sometimes I think it's unjustified. Little things like this make me realize it isn't simply warranted but necessary. Without my slightly acrimonious nature... how would I weed out the tools?

Although I recognize it may make it a but more difficult to believe that people don't ALL suck ALL the time. Perhaps I will eventually be able to reconcile the two.

On that note. I met a guy. I do not dislike him. More on that later.

So I've been a bit lazy...

2010-09-27T13:18:00.002-04:00

I last posted here in July. Ok I might be a little more than a bit lazy.

Facebook is an evil timesuck and I think maybe I should sign off for awhile.

So I updated my OKCupid profile and I am actively looking for a date. This should be interesting. I'll keep you posted. Although a great deal of people from the Boston area keep looking at my profile. Perhaps a sign?

Sooo... the weight loss update. My beginning weight was actually 281 not 270 like I thought it was.

Beginning Weight: 281 lbs
Beginning measurements: 50-48-54
Beginning BMI: 42

Weight now: 262
BMI now: 41

Unfortunately I have had to pause the gym due to surgery so I am slowly gaining weight back and slowly going insane. It's amazing how much better I feel when I am going to the gym. I never believed people when they said it really improved the way you feel physically AND emotionally. But I'm a convert. It's killing me not to be able to go work out. I can't even do stuff at home yet! And to make matters worse I had just started kickboxing when I found out I needed surgery so I had to pause that too. And that's what I really can't wait to get back to. From just one session I could feel how my body would change if I continued. But my stitches have finally started healing so I think it shouldn't be too much longer (I hope!). I can honestly feel my body reacting to the lack of activity. I can feel every pound I've gained back. I'm lethargic and I want to sleep more. I'm achy and irritable. Apparently being lazy is truly bad for you. Not just bad because skinny people don't want to look at fat people.

So there's my update. Maybe I'll stop being so lazy and actually update this thing more often.

A paradox unto myself...

2010-07-09T22:29:00.002-04:00

There are two opposing sides of my brain.

On the one side there is a girl. A real girly girl. She wants to meet a man who will sweep her off her feet with kisses and gifts. She wants to settle down, get married and have babies. She wants a house with a husband who takes care of the lawn and the broken things. She wants to stay home and raise babies, clean house and wash endless loads of laundry. She wants to drive kids to softball and ballet. She wants a somewhat boring but safe, content life. She wants to send her kids off to college and enjoy some quiet time with her husband.

The other side has hot pink hair until she's 80. She doesn't need to get married. She's a business owner, she owns her own tools and knows how to use every single one of them. She has no kids, no husband, nothing tying her down. She is free to do everything or nothing. She sleeps with who she pleases, never wondering if she looks fat, or if she's doing it right. She doesn't care if they call her when they're done. Or if they're there when she wakes up.

The problem is I don't know how to reconcile these two personalities.

And so it begins... Again.

2010-06-30T17:50:00.002-04:00

That's right kids. It's weight loss time. This past weekends hookup made me realize that I want to lose weight. And no... not for the guys. Because as this past weekend proves... I still got it. I just got more of it.
No. I want to lose weight for me. I want to feel attractive and confident. I know part of it is in my head but another part of it is definitely in my ass... and stomach... and legs... and arms. Because how confident and sexy can you feel when you are too lazy to walk up the block? Or when you're huffing and puffing from two flights of stairs? Or when you're face turns bright red just from bending over? Let's face it. You just can't. Because part of feeling confident and sexy is feeling good, healthy. At least for me it is. When I remember not to eat my feelings I always feel better than when I scarf a box of donuts to weigh down the sadness or anxiety.
So here I go. I'm meeting a friend at the gym in an hour. I plan to burn as many calories as I can handle (which is probably not much yet, but I'll try).

Beginning Weight: 270 lbs
Beginning measurements: 50-48-54
Beginning BMI: 42

Ideal weight: 143
Ideal Measurements: 40-30-40 (That's just my ideal.)
Ideal BMI: 22

I'll be happy if I reach any one of those goals. Hell I'll be happy when I feel better.

Cathartic

2010-06-27T17:13:00.006-04:00

So it turns out that a rebound hookup can be cathartic as well as fun.

It can reestablish some semblance of confidence. It can make you realize what you'd been missing in the relationship you were in before. It can really make you realize how glad you are that you ended the previous relationship. And that YOU were the one who ended it.

I saw what a real adult relationship is like. And I don't mean romantic relationships. I mean even a still undefined friendship with possibilities. I saw what I wasn't getting before. I wasn't being kissed. My eyes weren't being met. My expectations weren't being met. I wasn't able to give up control for even a second because I had no one to trust with the control. I wasn't able to share responsibility. I wasn't having stimulating conversation. I wasn't having fun. I wasn't flirting. I wasn't having my confidence built up. I wasn't being encouraged to follow my dreams. I wasn't getting what I wanted. I wasn't getting what I deserved.

Obviously I didn't get all this from a hookup. But the hookup combined with the conversations had before it makes me realize that I should never put up with what I'd been putting up with ever again. And that forces me to define what I do want and deserve.

So thank you as yet undefined friend. For the fun and the catharsis.

It's like someone took the blinders off...

2010-05-24T10:51:00.002-04:00

That's what it feels like for me to come out of a depression. It's like someone opened up the lens so my focus isn't so narrow. For the last couple of weeks I've been in that hopeless, sad state where you start feeling like it's not worth it. You start to think "people don't really like me. I don't know why anyone even hangs out with me." You start to take every perceived slight personally. Someone hanging out and no one called you? You start to feel like it was done on purpose. And even though you know that the thoughts you're having are ridiculous you can't help but listen to that nagging little voice in the back of your mind that tells you that you're nothing. You're unpleasant, irritable, easily frustrated, weepy, sad, confused. You're mind races but doesn't come up with anything useful. People ask what's wrong and you can't find the words to tell them. People try to hug you or make you feel better and instead it makes you feel worse. Now you feel guilty that you've made other people feel bad for you. It's this vicious cycle that you feel powerless to stop. It's a terrible sinking feeling and if you don't find a way to fight the current it will pull you under and drown you.

I want.

2010-03-17T23:15:00.002-04:00

I want to go rock climbing. I want to go dog sledding. I want to go skiing. I want to be published. I want to volunteer. I want to travel. I want to go camping. I want to go back to school. I want to go hiking. I want to start companies. I want to build something. I want to make art. I want to organize. I want to make a difference. I want to appreciate and be appreciated. I want my voice to be heard. I want to figure out what to say. I want to love unconditionally. I want to grow something. I want to nurture. I want to discover. I want to live my life.

Update.

2010-03-17T07:26:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness! So much to blog about.

First. I am moving back to NY! Which is awesome because me and Florida? Not really working out. I could have liked it. I really could have. There's a lot of great stuff to do around here. If I hadn't been by myself I might have discovered them. Ok I wasn't actually alone. But really... I was. So yes! NY here I come. Corey is coming down to be my passenger for the ride home. So I'll have company all the way to Pennsylvania. Now, if Walmart would answer the phone I'll be getting my oil changed today.

Second. I got a census in the mail. I didn't think I would get one. I don't know why. I know they have to count everyone in the country. It just seemed like a very grown up thing to have to do. I dont feel like enough of an adult to be counted as one.

Third. I joined Match.com. Yeah. I did. Mostly I've found people that I definitely do NOT match with. But I did email one guy who seems like he might be interesting. Unfortunately he lives 122 miles from where I'll be living. But hey, nothing like a little distance to force me to take things slow. His responses to smoke and drink make think he might be straight edge though. I'm not sure a straight edge guy could deal with my group of friends. Not that my friends are into anything seriously bad... but we certainly do like our alcohol. Hell we like anyones alcohol.

Fourth. My mom and I are planning a Peeps themed fondue party Easter weekend. Woot!

Okay. That's enough for now. I forgot what else I was going to blog about. I'm sure I'll think of it later.

This wouldn't happen if you bagged it correctly the first time...

2010-03-08T22:04:00.002-05:00

Attention grocery store cashier... I know your job is menial and soul crushing. I've been there. But does that mean you don't have to care about your job? Or do it correctly? Or is it just that common sense gets thrown out the window?
I don't think it's that difficult to bag groceries. I've seen lots of people do it. I've even done it myself. But something is happening in grocery stores all across the country. Bread is being smushed. Eggs are being crushed. Bags are breaking left and right. Why? Because grocery store cashiers and baggers don't seem to know how to bag correctly. I didn't think you had to be trained on how to put things in bags but apparently you do... so here it is. Soda goes with soda. Cold goes with cold. Bread never goes on the bottom. Milk and cookies go great together, but not in the bag.

Everybody clear?

Also, if someone says "No thats ok I'll bag it myself" please believe they are not just being nice. They genuinely want to bag it themselves. Let them.

The List... Updated.

2010-02-22T03:57:00.003-05:00

In Progress
Done

1. Apply to graduate school for creative writing.

2. Save $2,000.

3. Lose 75 pounds.

4. Host, and cook for, a dinner party.

5. Volunteer at the Red Cross.

6. Donate plasma.

7. Join something, an organization, club or team.

8. Pay off ALL debts.

9. Start saving for retirement.

10. Take a class. Pottery, cake decorating, or knitting.

11. Visit Michael in Colorado.

12. Buy a new car.

13. Write a novel or screenplay.

14. Read War & Peace.

15. Learn to use Power Point.

16. Buy a new computer.

17. Learn to use Photoshop.

18. Make a quilt.

19. Learn how to properly use my sewing machine.

20. Learn how to follow a pattern.

21. Start a blog.

22. Read 101 books in 1001 days.

23. Finish this list.

24. Write for at least one hour per week for three months.

25. Do laundry once a week for three months.

26. Go to a UU church service.

27. Get a pedicure.

28. Make cans project.

29. Try cross-stitch.

30. Make an inspiration collage.

31. Buy my own PS3.

32. Try Jamba Juice.

33. Take a train trip to somewhere.

34. Go to the movies alone.

35. Learn to shoot a gun.

36. Move back to the Northeast.

37. Learn three new crochet stitches.

38. Bake homemade bread.

39. Clean my apartment from top to bottom.

40. Donate platelets.

41. Go on an airboat ride.

42. Visit the Coral Castle.

43. Watch the Lord of the Rings movies.

44. Go camping.

45. Watch an entire football game.

46. Learn to purl.

47. Be on time for one full month.

48. Watch all the DVDs I own.

49. Adopt a pet.

50. Get a new GPS.

51. Volunteer at a soup kitchen/food bank.

52. Thoroughly clean my car.

53. Play BINGO.

54. Get a passport.

55. Visit Key West.

56. Decorate for Christmas.

57. Learn to make pastry.

58. Make a list of 101 things that make me happy.

59. Go to Disney.

60. Go to Epcot.

61. Go to a museum.

62. Try a totally new hairstyle.

63. Take some sort of factory/brewery tour.

64. Go to Las Vegas.

65. Make a souffle.

66. Participate in NaNoWriMo 2010.

67. See and photograph an alligator.

68. See and photograph a manatee.

69. Go fishing.

70. Visit a national park.

71. Create the comic that Ed and I came up with.

72. Try acupuncture.

73. Do 101 creative writing prompts.

74. Get another tattoo.

75. Have prints made of my digital photography.

76. Send a package to a soldier overseas.

77. Begin (and finish) a mosaic.

78. Drive across the country.

79. Ride a motorcycle.

80. Go on a mom and me vacation (staycation also acceptable).

81. Go to the roller derby.

82. Cut hair super short.

83. Start a dream journal or blog.

84. Photograph a month in my life.

85. Learn to make soap.

86. Take a first aid course.

87. Take a CPR course.

88. Learn to make sock monkeys.

89. Buy an external hard drive.

90. Finish writing the non-fiction book I started.

91. Sew an apron.

92. Surprise someone with a care package.

93. Hook up printer and make sure it works.

94. Learn to make art/jewelry with resin.

95. Put up pictures in the apartment.

96. Make up and try 5 new recipes.

97. Participate in 100 snapshots.

98. Make an aluminum bouquet.

99. Update this blog at least once a week for six months.

100. Go to the dermatologist.

101. Make another 101 in 1001 list.

UncoolCon 2010... Guggapalooza...

2010-02-22T01:15:00.002-05:00

I had so much fun this weekend. UncoolCon 2010 was amazing. 15 rowdy uncool people descending on an unsuspecting casual dining restaurant. So much fun. I literally have the best group of friends. Then it was time for Guggapalooza! My cousins girlfriend came to visit. She's from Iceland so she brought us Icelandic goodies. Some alcohol called Topas made from candy and vodka... She also brought Hakarl and Brennivin. I actually managed to try both. It was gross. Big party... lots of alcohol. Drunk people and fireworks. Quite an evening.

Homesick.

2010-02-14T16:54:00.002-05:00

I'm lonely and I want to come home. Like really lonely. But I have a job here. My old job opened up in NY but I wasn't really happy there. Do I trade Florida - where I hate living but like my job for New York - where I like where I'm living but don't like my job? Being in Florida is depressing as hell. But I don't want to risk leaving job and schedule I like and the cheap rent to move back home if I'm gonna be depressed anyway. I'd really like to move to Pennsylvania because I already have a place to stay and a roommate but I can't seem to find jobs there. I don't know what to do and I hate it. All I want to do is cry. And curl up in bed and sleep until someone fixes it. But here I go, off to get ready for work so I can come back to my empty apartment 1300 miles away from everyone I love. I think Florida was a bad decision. The universe let me down.

#30.

2010-02-09T21:26:00.002-05:00

#30. Make an inspiration collage.

Well it's not finished yet, but here's the beginning!

#45

2010-02-07T22:28:00.002-05:00

#45. Watch an entire football game.

Complete!

I watched the whole superbowl! And I only needed a few explanations from Corey!

As yet untitled.

2010-02-07T04:25:00.002-05:00

One of the things on my list was to do 101 creative writing prompts by the end of my 1001 days. Sooo... here's the first one.

The prompt was: "That homeless guy is staring at you again"

"That homeless guy is staring at you again."

"What. What homeless guy?"

"Over the-"

"Don't point!" Is he still looking?"

"Yeah. He stares at you every day. It's really creepy."

"Every day? For how long?"

"Like a week. He, like, lives behind that dumpster."

"Ew. That's really gross"

"I know right? Oh here comes the bus."

Kelly glanced over her shoulder as she got on the bus. The homeless guy was still staring at her, even as he was digging through a nearby garbage can. She watched as he pulled out the soda bottle she had thrown away just a few minutes before.

"Kelly! What are you staring at?"

"Huh? Oh... nothing."

Kelly didn't know why but she didn't think she should tell her friend that she had been staring back at the homeless guy. She could swear she knew him, although most of his features were obscured by a matted beard and the rags he used as a scarf.

Drake put the plastic bottle in his shopping cart. He had only been collecting bottles to keep up his disguise and pulling out her bottle at that exact moment had been a complete coincidence. Now he was cursing himself for scaring her. The look on her face couldn't have been anything but fear. It would be twice as difficult to get her to listen to him now, let alone convince her to help him. But what choice did he have?
If he didn't bring her back with him everything he cared about would be destroyed. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't live with himself if anything happened to Sarrah. Beautiful Sarrah, who had looked so sad as he left, as if she already knew she would never see him again.
Lost in thought as he was, Drake didn't see the taxi as it rounded the corner. It smashed into his shopping cart sending Drake and all the contents of the cart sprawling against the concrete.
People walked past him, stepping carefully through the obstacle course his belongings had created, no one giving him a moments consideration. The taxi driver cursed and shook his fist but Drake barely heard him. He was staring into the back of the taxi. Staring directly at Evil. Evil, disguised as a smartly dressed businessman, stared right back, something between a smirk and a grimace played at the corners of his lips. He waggled his thick fingers at Drake as his taxi sped away.

Drake sat on the cold concrete trying to catch his breath. He had less time than he thought. If Evil himself was here it would be no time at all before his brothers arrived. Evil himself had no power, but when his brothers spoke his name, they lent him theirs and nothing survived Evil's wrath then.

It's just a rough draft. Actually its the only draft so far and I only have a vague idea of where it will end... but comments and criticisms always appreciated!

It's been awhile...

2010-02-07T02:25:00.002-05:00

...and for good reason. Lots of things have been happening. I asked my boyfriend to move out back at the end of December. He left two weeks ago, on a Friday. My grandfather took a turn for the worse that weekend and passed away the following Tuesday. I went home to NY for the funeral from that Wednesday to Sunday. Then I went straight to work from the airport and worked the next five days.

My grandfathers funeral was... well... it was. I held it together right up until the actual funeral where I sort of fell apart. I did that cry myself into a panic attack thing. Luckily I regained my composure enough to breathe somewhat normally. Then there was the burial, at which I promptly lost it again. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I'm not sure which, it was so cold that my tears practically froze before they left my eyes, so I didn't see much.

But Russell sent me cannolis. And that actually made me feel a little better. Thank you Russell.

Although the circumstances sucked I did get to see my friends and family... and my cousin Michael!! I never get to see him and we don't talk that often which is odd, because we get along so well and have very similar senses of humor.

Yeah so I just haven't felt much like blogging. But I'm back. And now I'm also back to working on my list! Or trying to at least. More updates to come!

Dental Panic

2010-01-21T16:54:00.002-05:00

So I was supposed to get my tooth pulled today. I got as far as in the dentists chair with numbing gel. That's when the irrational but very real panic set in. I honestly cannot even tell you what was going through my head when I began to panic. The doctor told me that they would pull the tooth, do a bone graft to make sure it healed properly, stitch me up and we'd be done. Then everyone left the room and I sat there by myself. I started having trouble catching my breath and my eyes starting tearing almost before I knew what was happening. My hands started shaking and my heart started simultaneously pounding and fluttering which, in turn, makes it even harder to catch my breath. My vision blurred and I suddenly had tunnel vision. Then they came in and tried to calm me down. The nurse told me they would give me nitrous oxide. The panic got worse. My lips went numb, my vision dwindled to a pinhole and my whole body started shaking. She was getting things ready and she was blocking my view of the door. That was it. Either they were letting me go home or I was fighting my way out. I suddenly understood fight or flight in a very real way.

I am still going to get the tooth pulled. But I will be under IV sedation.

TGI...T?

2010-01-19T14:37:00.003-05:00

That's right kids. TGIT. Thank God its Tuesday. Tuesday is my Friday because of my odd work schedule. (7 on 7 off, Wednesday to Tuesday, 6:30pm-5am) I'm so excited to be off for seven whole days. Of course it would be better if I didn't have to have a tooth pulled on Thursday. But hey, at least they'll give me more vicodin and I can start having dreams that border on hallucinations again. Maybe while I'm off I can find the nearest Ikea since I need a new bed frame. Yup my fat ass (with a little help) broke the bed. And no, there was no sex involved. He was blowing raspberries on my neck and I was making pterodactyl noises on his. Yes. I know. We are very weird.
Ok forget Ikea. I just checked their website and I couldn't find anything I liked. Screw it. I'll just put the box spring and mattress on the floor.
So, my dads came down on Sunday. (For those of you who don't know, my dads refers to my father and my stepfather.) So I'm very excited to take my dad to Steak n Shake. I'm a dork.
Well I'll post more on my week off when I'm more coherent.

#50

2010-01-16T14:18:00.002-05:00

#50. Get a new GPS. Check. It should be here by Wednesday.

Goals completed so far:
#21. Start a blog.
#23. Finish this list.
#50. Get a new GPS.
#83. Start a dream journal or blog.

Goals currently in progress:
#3. Lose 75 pounds.
#22. Read 101 books in a 1001 days.
#58. Make a list of 101 things that make me happy.
#99. Update this blog at least once a week for six months.

I'm really glad I decided to do this 101 in 1001. Everything I do towards it makes me feel just a little bit more... focused. And I'm really excited for my new GPS. Now I can go somewhere besides work and walmart!!!

#83

2010-01-11T17:28:00.003-05:00

#83. Start a dream journal or blog. Done. Check it out. Therapeutic Dreams
Now I just have to remember to update it regularly. I wonder if I'll start to see a dream pattern?

101 things in 1001 days...

2010-01-11T07:50:00.004-05:00

101 Things in 1001 days

The Challenge:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple challenges such as New Year's resolutions or a 'Bucket List'. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips, study semesters, or outdoor activities.

So here's mine.

I am starting this on 01/11/10. My end date is 09/19/12.

1. Apply to graduate school for creative writing.

2. Save $2,000.

3. Lose 75 pounds.

4. Host, and cook for, a dinner party.

5. Volunteer at the Red Cross.

6. Donate plasma.

7. Join something, an organization, club or team.

8. Pay off ALL debts.

9. Start saving for retirement.

10. Take a class. Pottery, cake decorating, or knitting.

11. Visit Michael in Colorado.

12. Buy a new car.

13. Write a novel or screenplay.

14. Read War & Peace.

15. Learn to use Power Point.

16. Buy a new computer.

17. Learn to use Photoshop.

18. Make a quilt.

19. Learn how to properly use my sewing machine.

20. Learn how to follow a pattern.

21. Start a blog.

22. Read 101 books in 1001 days.

23. Finish this list.

24. Write for at least one hour per week for three months.

25. Do laundry once a week for three months.

26. Go to a UU church service.

27. Get a pedicure.

28. Make cans project.

29. Try cross-stitch.

30. Make an inspiration collage.

31. Buy my own PS3.

32. Try Jamba Juice.

33. Take a train trip to somewhere.

34. Go to the movies alone.

35. Learn to shoot a gun.

36. Move back to the Northeast.

37. Learn three new crochet stitches.

38. Bake homemade bread.

39. Clean my apartment from top to bottom.

40. Donate platelets.

41. Go on an airboat ride.

42. Visit the Coral Castle.

43. Watch the Lord of the Rings movies.

44. Go camping.

45. Watch an entire football game.

46. Learn to purl.

47. Be on time for one full month.

48. Watch all the DVDs I own.

49. Adopt a pet.

50. Get a new GPS.

51. Volunteer at a soup kitchen/food bank.

52. Thoroughly clean my car.

53. Play BINGO.

54. Get a passport.

55. Visit Key West.

56. Decorate for Christmas.

57. Learn to make pastry.

58. Make a list of 101 things that make me happy.

59. Go to Disney.

60. Go to Epcot.

61. Go to a museum.

62. Try a totally new hairstyle.

63. Take some sort of factory/brewery tour.

64. Go to Las Vegas.

65. Make a souffle.

66. Participate in NaNoWriMo 2010.

67. See and photograph an alligator.

68. See and photograph a manatee.

69. Go fishing.

70. Visit a national park.

71. Create the comic that Ed and I came up with.

72. Try acupuncture.

73. Do 101 creative writing prompts.

74. Get another tattoo.

75. Have prints made of my digital photography.

76. Send a package to a soldier overseas.

77. Begin (and finish) a mosaic.

78. Drive across the country.

79. Ride a motorcycle.

80. Go on a mom and me vacation (staycation also acceptable).

81. Go to the roller derby.

82. Cut hair super short.

83. Start a dream journal or blog.

84. Photograph a month in my life.

85. Learn to make soap.

86. Take a first aid course.

87. Take a CPR course.

88. Learn to make sock monkeys.

89. Buy an external hard drive.

90. Finish writing the non-fiction book I started.

91. Sew an apron.

92. Surprise someone with a care package.

93. Hook up printer and make sure it works.

94. Learn to make art/jewelry with resin.

95. Put up pictures in the apartment.

96. Make up and try 5 new recipes.

97. Participate in 100 snapshots.

98. Make an aluminum bouquet.

99. Update this blog at least once a week for six months.

100. Go to the dermatologist.

101. Make another 101 in 1001 list.

I'll try to blog about these goals as I complete them. Or as they're in progress.

Well numbers 21 and 23 are already completed!

21. Start a blog. Well here we are, so that's done.

23. Finish this list. Check.

Well two down, 99 to go!

Hello. My name is...

2010-01-10T07:54:00.000-05:00

Well here we are. New year, New me. Ok, maybe not a new me. Maybe it's the same old me with some new issues. Yeah that sounds about right.

A bit of an introduction. My blog is called My Life as a (nearly) Grown-up because that's how I feel. I feel like I do all these grownup things like working, paying bills, making tough decisions. But inside I feel about 16. I hear about people my age getting married and having kids and I think, Why so young?, before I realize that they are actually just about the right age to be getting married and starting families and I am actually the one falling behind.

So when do you start feeling like an adult? I thought I would feel like an adult when I graduated from college. Nope, but I still lived at home so I thought, maybe when I move out. So I moved out at 26. Yes it was kind of late. So there I was, in my own apartment that I paid for, living with my boyfriend, paying cable and electric bills, buying my own groceries, working full time. And still, no sudden epiphany of adulthood.

So maybe you truly are only as old as you feel. If that's the case I'm a little afraid. I still feel like a kid and that might not be the best thing. After all there is a huge difference between child-like and child-ish.

Back to The Introduction.

The Basics
I'm 28. I live in South Florida but my home is in the Hudson Valley, NY. I'm female. I'm single-ish. I'll discuss the definition and ramifications of single-ish in another post. I work full-time. My parents are divorced. My mom is remarried. My mom, dad, and step-dad are all best friends. Yes it is odd but it works and I'm glad. My grandfather is 94 and until very recently quite healthy. My best friend in the whole world is transgender. My favorite group of friends is totally dysfunctional and that's why I love them.

Well I think I've covered everything I can for now. Much more to come.

Thanks for reading!